So You’re Newly Single, And It Sucks – Here’s What To Do About Your Ex

Breakups suck. Everyone knows that. Whether you’re the one who instigated it or not, whether it came out of nowhere or it was a long time coming, relationships are supposed to be happy places, and when they end there’s always at least some lingering sadness  and in some cases, there’s a lot. There’s, like a ton. Right after a breakup, people act out they self-harm, or they drink recklessly  they try to sleep with someone else immediately in a misguided bid to dull the pain.

They retreat into themselves and stop going out, stop enjoying life, spending their days binge-watching their favorite shows or listening to albums that used to make them happy but now only make them sad. They’re haunted by the ghost of their ex, almost their old feelings cloud their judgment and suck away their ability to be happy.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

If you’re dealing with unresolved ex-related feelings, you’re probably looking to approach it in one of three ways: you want to get over your ex, you want to get your ex back, or you want to be friends with your ex. Each one has its positives, drawbacks, and no-go areas. So let’s break down what each scenario is like to make sure you’re choosing the right option for you.

1. Getting Over Your Ex

This is the easiest one, in that it doesn’t require any input from your ex, but also the most difficult one, in that it requires heavy lifting on the part of your emotions. If you do it right, you’re going to come out the other side a stronger, more emotionally stable person. If you do it wrong, you could either drive yourself crazy, ruin a potentially positive relationship, platonic or otherwise, with someone who cares about you, or end up with a heart of stone. So what situations should you try to get over your ex in?

• You and your ex simply didn’t get along  the relationship was never very enjoyable.
• You weren’t together very long and didn’t have an intense connection.
• You ex was physically or emotionally abusive or manipulative.
• Your ex did something to hurt you that you simply can’t forgive.
• Your ex demonstrated an inability to stop a hurtful or dangerous behavior.
• Your ex left the relationship to be with someone else.

If your ex isn’t someone you could see yourself being friends with, either because you don’t get along, they did something unforgivable, or you’re too hung up on them to simply be “just friends,” your first priority after the breakup should be getting over them. There are a few different ways to achieve this, but ceasing contact with them both in person and via your phone or computer  is of paramount importance.

2. Getting Your Ex Back

If movies, TV shows and pop songs are to be believed, this one is the most popular option. In fiction, it seems, nobody breaks up without getting back together again. In real life, of course, that’s not exactly the case, and lots of people probably pursue reconciliation with an ex they should just leave alone because the idea that getting back together is romantic” has been drilled into their heads by pop culture, or because they’re so afraid of being alone they’d rather be with someone who was making them miserable than with no one. So what situations could you hypothetically make it work with an ex?

• You broke up over one single incident, not a repeated pattern or a series of different issues.
• You broke up because of an issue in the relationship neither of you put any effort into fixing while you were together.
• You realized, post-breakup, that your ex was more important than what you chose over them.
• Your ex initiated it and admits that it was a mistake and you genuinely believe them.

If one or more of those situations describes you, then you might have a shot at making things work a second time. Sometimes a breakup is what a couple needs to refocus their priorities and realize that they truly love each other. However, in the days and weeks after a breakup, it’s normal to miss your ex that doesn’t mean you should try to initiate getting back together. Wait until you have a little bit of time to think rationally about the situation; don’t simply send them a drunk text around midnight insisting that it was all a mistake.

3. Being Friends With Your Ex

This one is a minefield for a bunch of different reasons, but it’s also an optimistic and potentially awesome outcome, provided the right preconditions are met. You have to ask yourself some tricky questions, questions you’ll have to be truly truthful about. Like:

• Am I secretly doing this because I want my ex back?
• Am I secretly doing this because I hope we’ll sleep together even if we don’t get back together?
• Am I setting myself up for a lot of pain and misery as I watch my ex grow and thrive without me?
• Is this something I even want or am I just considering it because my ex pushing for it?
• Or because I feel like I’m “supposed to” stay friends with an ex?

If you can answer yes to any of those questions, then this one isn’t for you. That doesn’t mean that it won’t ever be for you, of course many times, friendship with an ex is something that’s only realistic six months or a year down the line, once you’ve both had time to grow apart and gain some critical distance from the intensity of the relationship and the pain of the breakup.