If You’re Considering Being Friends With Your Ex, Read This

You’ve just spent months, years, or maybe even decades together with one person. You’ve made memories, lived, laughed, and loved. And then you called it off. The thought of them leaving your life for good is a daunting one. So what happens between you two next?

Many people suggest that you can still remain friends effectively, if you follow the right steps. Others cast the notion aside as something that should never even be entertained. But what’s right for you? Should you cut your ex out of your life, or try to stay friends? And if so, how do you do it?

Ultimately, there’s no one size fits all answer for this age-old question. It’ll be different for every broken-up couple, depending on their particular scenario. But, as you start to contemplate whether a platonic arrangement can continue on without a love interest, there are several factors you need to consider.

Check out these Factors below!

1. Have You Had An Ex Detox?

First up, regardless of whether you decide to stay friends, there should almost always be an initial period where you limit contact and exposure almost completely. How long this period lasts will depend on how long your relationship lasted, but a good benchmark is four to six months of radio silence. A breakup is like a loss in the family. You have to process this emotionally very similar to the way that you would mourn the death of a loved one. If you stay friends immediately after and continue spending time with your ex, you won’t be able to fully process the loss.

So, for starters, you need to embark on an ex detox. Unfollow them on all social channels ASAP. Trolling through your ex’s Facebook feed will only spark feelings of anxiety and jealousy. You don’t need to know what they’re doing on a Saturday night. You just don’t. And if you do decide in the long run that you want to remain friends, ignorance is bliss at this phase. You don’t want to resent your ex for going out and having fun after the break.

Beyond digital social networks, you might need to do a temporary purge of your actual network of friends. At this stage, you shouldn’t be seeing each other in person, even if there are a lot of mutual friends you have in common. Take some time apart to heal properly, process your feelings and not get sucked back into the relationship before you’ve had a chance to get the proper perspective.

Once you’ve had the time to process the transition effectively, you’re now on your way to regaining your independence. As a couple, you likely identified as a joint pair which inherently limits your own unique identity. Now’s the time to reclaim exactly who you are and rediscover who you ultimately want to be.

So, we’re now four to six months in. You’re hopefully doing awesome stuff, getting back in touch with who you are, growing in new ways emotionally, experientially, spiritually, and physically, and maybe you’re starting to get back in the game and comfortable with the dating scene again.

Now’s the time where you could legitimately start thinking about your ex and if it makes sense to revisit the relationship in a more platonic sense. Here are some things to factor into that decision…

2. Did You Get Proper Closure?

It’s also crucial to get the proper closure before you can really be friends again. While I do recommend four to six months of detoxing from your ex, the one exception and stipulation I would apply against that would be to have a conversation that leads you to the closure you need to move on.

If questions still remain as to why the breakup happened in the first place what you did wrong, why your ex chose to call it off — then if you do engage in friendship, you’ll always be somewhat insecure and never able to be comfortable with each other.

You can only have this conversation if both of you agree to it, and try to have it in a situation that won’t lead to hooking up with your e’. Whether you meet up for coffee or a meal or take a walk in a park  or if you’re confident there’s no lingering tension and decide to do the risky move of meeting at one of your homes whatever you do, don’t go for drinks. Getting drunk might help get you talking, but it’ll cloud your judgment and could lead to you saying things you’ll regret.

3. Was It Toxic Or Empowering?

Many guys will get sucked into a toxic relationship and can’t escape. I myself fell victim to that. You find yourself with someone who cuts you down, always has their own interests in mind, and doesn’t do anything to nourish you as a human. The insecurity that this breeds can cause you not to leave because you’re scared you won’t be able to find something better. Obviously, this is not a type of girl you would want to consider remaining friends with.

On the other hand, if you had a strong connection where you were each other’s cheerleader, you helped empower and encourage the other to grow, but for some reason just couldn’t make it click romantically, this is something you should look at rekindling as friends rather than as a couple.

Some exes you don’t necessarily need to be friends with, however; it could be enough to just stay in touch with them and connect with them occasionally because they had a genuinely positive impact on you as a person.

4. Was There A Deal-Breaker Detail?

Did you break up with your ex because there was one thing you couldn’t stand about them or the relationship? It’s always easy to remember the more positive aspects. The times you had together during fancy dinners. Or the epic sex you would have during your trip through Europe. If you’re feeling lonely after the breakup, it can be easy to fall into the ”grass is greener” syndrome and forget the more negative aspects of the relationship.

For those, it’s critically important to remember that people very rarely change in fundamental ways. They just don’t. Lots of guys end up sticking around in relationships for far too long because they glimpses of good in the other person, but overall their significant other just has too much working against them to have a constructive, positive relationship.

If you feel like you can change the person, you might have a bit of a ”savior syndrome” where you try too hard to help people. But, a person’s inherent nature just doesn’t change a whole lot particularly if they’re not willing to.

So, think back. Were there aspects of being with your ex that you absolutely despised, but you think might have changed by now? Odds are, that’s not the case. If it was something that would deter you from having a mutually beneficial friendship, then it’s probably best to steer clear.

5. Do You Have Honest Intentions?

This is a tricky area. The subconscious is a really sneaky beast and you have to make yourself fully aware of what’s driving your interest in remaining friends.

Is there a part of you that still wants to get back together with your ex? Are you holding out hope that you might rekindle what you once had? If that’s the case, it’s not best to go the friend route if the breakup happened for the right reason.

Or do you subconsciously want to be close to them so you can prove to your ex that you’re in a better place? It’s easy to fall victim to that game where your pride gets the best of you and you feel like you have something to prove  that you’re better off now without them.

You might post a pic on Instagram of yourself with a new flame, hoping that your ex will see it. If you find yourself with this mindset, it’s probably not healthy to spend a lot of time with them.

Overall, there’s no cut and dry answer to this question for the ages. There are so many variables, including how the relationship started, what dynamics you shared as a couple, whether it was empowering or toxic, etc.

The first thing you have to do is be honest with yourself about what your intentions are. If there are no ulterior motives beyond having a great friendship with someone you genuinely want to stay in touch with, then maybe it makes sense.

You also have to be able to hang out with your ex comfortably. You can’t get jealous. You shouldn’t be anxious. It should feel natural to be with them and shouldn’t tax you or them in a negative way.

Lastly, if you do decide to be friends, you have to be selfless about it. You should care about their happiness regardless of your involvement. If you’ve reached that point, then maybe it makes sense to pick things back up on a platonic level.

Life is all about learning from the people you surround yourself with. Who you are is partially a product of the people you spend most of your time with.

If your ex was a toxic influence who made you weaker as a person, cut the cord completely and move on. But if your ex makes you a better person and you’re capable of embracing that without the romantic aspect, then it sounds like you’re ready to actually give being ”just friends” a shot.